Hey Spinning,

“Family Stuff” sure shows up at just the BEST times, huh?!

AND the first rule is: IT’S YOUR WEDDING!...

The second rule?... Weddings, to varying degrees, ARE “a family thing”!

… Confusing?….

More than any other world culture, US citizens are hell-bent on “Individuality”… on being islands of capability… on disregarding or even discarding our families, our inherited traits… relationships…

While families in the U.S.A. are busy dissipating, forces calling for familial acknowledgment are ingrained in our DNA… Starting with the fact that our families exist to give us primary relationships for learning on our paths. So, there is a reason you inherited your Grandmother and your Mother… Their personalities are elements of your life education!

I understand that you and these two women (your Mother and Grandmother) are not totally in sync with each other - at least around your Wedding. This may be a grand opportunity to nurture and improve that circle. However, taking on too much during Wedding planning can be “too much”!

So, two primary Guideline Thoughts…

° It IS “Your Wedding”. Your Wife will be your foundation partner for your lifetime… The person with whom you establish and maintain life from the big day (Wedding Day) forward. So, all things considered, what will make your Wedding the best for the two of you?

◊ Growing your communication as a couple may have to
include putting up some boundaries against static
or conflicting input from others.

◊ However, excluding others may run contrary to either
short-term and/or long-term happiness. We all need
community – Your marriage needs positive people
who love you…
Your Mother & Grandmother possibly fit this criteria…

° “Wedding”, to some degree means the union of at least two
families. Supporting the Bride & Groom is the primary role of family members and friends. Meanwhile, the Bride and Groom do well to acknowledge loving, supportive families. While we don’t always feel our family support is valuable, there is merit to showing respect for family effort and history.

◊ Any/all action or communication must start with your
Fiance’! Begin and maintain a habit of mutually-
respectful, mutually-supportive communication with
your significant other! Anything you do for others,
including your family, will be far more effective, loving
and powerful if your marriage is strong and loving!

◊ Powerful work with a family therapist (such as the work I do
as an “Inspiration Wedding Officiant”) can help you to
determine what sort of boundaries you and your Fiance’
need to establish to know how, where and when to
respond variously with loved ones.

When the couples I work with explore their history, why they’re “meant to be”, and their unstated commitments, us-and-family dynamics almost always arises.
I help couples to:

˙ Powerfully step out of their stories about “manipulation”,
“bossiness”, “dominance”, “control” and the like… And into realizing
their power as a couple… To take control of their choices.. their
Marriage, their Wedding, and their love for family and friends!

˙ Deeply impact their vows by examining the intentions of their
Wedding and Marriage. This helps get their communication, even
with others, onto stronger footing!

˙ Mentally visualize key family members and friends who you may
wish to honor somehow during the wedding planning and/or Wedding
Day. Then, with boundaries, you and your Fiance’ can decide how and
where to involve people… honoring them while respecting your Day!!

◊ Options might include:

∞ Finding some Wedding elements that you could live with one of
two choices, and letting your Mother make the final choice (like some
of the reception food options)…

∞ Acknowledging that the Bride and her Mother tend to be the Wedding
planners. Maybe your Mother and Grandmother really want to feel
“included” emotionally with your Fiance’! They may not need to make
decisions or “direct”. They might simply feel gratified by hearing some
“what’s going on” details from the Bride-to-be!

NOTE: Your Fiance’ needs to be empowered. Anything that is
communicated or decided must be rooted in communication between
you and your Fiance’… with your needs as a couple primary. While some
traditions have meant the Bride being bossed around by elders – this
is not appropriate to contemporary Weddings. Meanwhile, respect for elders: always en vogue.

∞ Use your resources! A Wedding offers multiple opportunities for
honoring and including family members! Consider…

˙ Asking your Grandmother and/or Mother to take specific
roles around a Wedding Shower, invitations, decorations,
Wedding seating or something….

˙ Having Mothers and/or Grandmothers ceremonially seated
at the start of your Wedding.

˙ Involving a ceremonial recognition of Grandmothers and
Mothers during your Wedding (like the Rose Ceremony)!

˙ Asking Mom or Grandmom to read or sing something during the
ceremony.

“It’s your Wedding” means: “It’s your gift”. The day is to be wonderful for you two without dissing others. Perhaps the day can be better than ever because you and your Bride thought out of the box, and found a way to include others… without damaging your relationship and Marriage!

“The Greatest Gift One Can Receive Is To Have Given To Another”


Namaste ~
Mitch

~ Namasté ~

Hey Fretting,

I bet a lot of your friends have been in this spot!!

When we’re feeling overwhelmed and struggling to sort through “stuff”, best to break it down into manageable pieces…

° Take that D-E-E-E-E-P breath… And a couple more… Then…

° Pretend you’re looking at three people you don’t know. Allow none of them to be “bad”; all to be “normal
people trying to find their way through life”!

° Write down what, for you, are the elements of a “good relationship”… Maybe include: Trust, Affection,
Commitment to stick with it; fun; good sex… - Whatever are truly important to YOU!

° Are you finding that, when you and Steve are both present (not off spending lots of time with another love
interest) those elements are/were present?

• If Steve & you did have those elements, time to first look at yourself for “what happened”… Maybe,
deep down, you really always knew that Steve wasn’t “the right one”…

• If Steve & you didn’t have those elements, time to first look at yourself for “why did I accept that”?
Maybe you just needed to have a little fun back then, or maybe you weren’t ready for “the real thing”!

• Don’t seek a “right” or “wrong” person in this. Seek insight into yourself – your motivations, needs,
expectations and values.

° You know deep down that you’re not giving the relationship with Steve what it needs to succeed by carrying on
with Joe.

° BOTH Joe and Steve will live without you! They get to make choices about any loss of relationship with you,
and about their lives. You’re only responsible for your actions in and out of the relationship(s)!

° Examine what “LOVE” is to you… What’s “unconditional love”.. “commitment”..?

… You’ll have your answers if you truly take those steps!.. You’ve started the process to learn here – don’t step out – STAY ENGAGED IN YOUR LIFE!

~ Namasté ~

Hey Heart,

You mean KIDS watch “Sex and the City”??!

Good luck “cool(ing) their jets”! Only Since The Dawn of Humankind…


¤ Boys & girls have gotten hot & bothered about each other during the teen years...
For the first 10,000 years, a 12-13 year-old female was: A “Woman” – in her prime child-bearing
years AND available for marriage!! Now we ask them to remain children until they’re at least 18…

¤ Teens innately strive to push the existing paradigms – That’s a BIG part of their job!! Why? They
have that energy and strength combined with naiveté [see: Not jaded, fried or sold out] to offer
the world new thoughts, ideas and expressions of society’s angst, frustrations and fears!

Sexual expression is natural and generally healthy!

FIRST: TIME-OUT: Please make sure you’re truly qualified & expected to “help” these young ladies as you’d like to! Many a well-meaning person has been burned by insecure/immature/irrational adults looking for lawsuit opportunities. If you truly care about these kids, having someone like you unemployed helps no one. There are very positive, non-confrontative ways to ensure your actions are in line with the spoken and unspoken expectations of your position with these kids. Assuming expectations and your intentions are in agreement…

° IDENTIFY: What deep-down am I afraid of?! Is it the expression of sexuality?... Or, some of the potential
pitfalls of sexual expression and exploration?

° ° KIDS ARE PEOPLE – First Amendment Rights included… So, you don’t want to shut down their
expression – that’ll alienate and anger the kids.

° ° WHAT ABOUT: ° Teen pregnancy ° Actions leading to unhealthy associations
° Speaking/acting per peer pressure & assumptions (vs. what’s best for us)
° Actions that can attract “the wrong crowd” (Paedophiles, problem kids….)


° REMEMBER: When you were a teenager: What did you REALLY want from the Adults in your life…
DEEP-DOWN?!

• Teens always want to be respected for the fact they are smart, aware and often intuitive! Approach thusly and you’ll achieve goals!

• In some ways, teenagers are already Adults! I know: So why can’t they remember to take out the trash? I did say, “In SOME ways”! Talk to them knowing this!

• Their world is NOT the same as your world was as a Teen, or as your world is now! Respect the fact that they deal with far more stressors than teenagers ever have.

• If you honestly, in your heart believe that one or more of the kids is “open” to and asking for your input/direction…

♦ Compliment them… an HONEST, HEARTFELT compliment first. A powerful one is
to verbally accept something they’ve said or done that you don’t like by saying, “I
get what you’re saying!”

♦ Ask how they FEEL about something they’re discussing! Whatever he or she
mentions, ask about their feelings – remind them to check within for their inner
guiding spirit.

♦ Ask what they hope to achieve by doing something. For example, “When you say ‘I want sex’ on your MySpace page, what are you wanting in return: sex? Discussion? To be cool?” - You MAY be surprised at how often they’re not even trying to be involved in sexual activity, but DO want to appear “cool” & “sophisticated”!

° FOREVER: Your role as a Parent, Educator, Mentor, Coach: To plant positive “seeds” in the childrens’ minds
for future success! Never is it to “fix” or force into your vision for them, or they’ll end up with huge
challenges as Adults.

My friend, honor each and every person’s (Teens included) paths to self-discovery! They’re in this lifetime to learn their own, unique lessons – God only knows what that is for each individual…

I honor your commitment and love for those kids…

~ Namasté ~

Hey Harried,

That’s a cycle that’s no fun to ride!!

This is tough because employment relationships are laden with legalese wrapped around the realities of social stressors and workplace dynamics! The Employee Manual doesn’t always cover how to deal with complex interpersonal work issues!

A few points:

1. Choose to engage in work conversations which are positive, helpful (brief venting is OK) and resolution-focused. AVOID “Boss-Bashing” – a negative activity which hurts everyone.

2. Take quiet time away from the job to think about the circumstances around the pleasant and unpleasant exchanges with your boss. Are there precipitating situations (customer complaints; poor employee performances…) leading to her “explosions”? Maybe she has anger triggers which you can watch for signaling time to visit the restroom or otherwise remove yourself from the tempest.

3. Consider the possibility that this “nice lady” may be open to positive support, including letting her know how you feel about your interactions with her… Yes: How you feel – NOT speaking for others (creates distrust, splitting and/or staff infighting)… About your interactions with her – without blaming and/or making her “wrong”!

… Obviously, if you do approach her, she’s more receptive during her “nice” cycle stages.

4. If talking with her seems to be scary, inappropriate or of no value, then time to consult the Employee Manual (or the like) to determine what your options are. Regardless of the emotional-relational aspects of your work, laws and policy dictate appropriate procedure! Many times, a well-meaning employee finds him/herself unprotected, even out of work because they didn’t operate within the manual protocol.

5. Also, take a look at your Employee-Boss relationship expectations. Sometimes, we feel someone is “mean” or “yelling”, when the issue is really about unrealistic and/or inappropriate expectations on our part. Could her bad moments be merely her doing her job (possibly sternly), falling on sensitive ears of employees expecting a little coddling or some love and appreciation?

… And, maybe this is a signal for you to look for another job!.. Either way, look for your learning opportunities, and know you are valuable.

~ Namasté ~